TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully from put. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Sure, absolutely sure, let us have An additional area wherever American Males can don robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: give everyone a set to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he ought to halt utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the venture, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a function currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after finding the developing's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not only unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which friends could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to create of Trump Tower Damascus this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "Should you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "exactly where's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting interest from Intercontinental traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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